Discipline and Your Young Child: Time Out for Good Behavior

There is no job more difficult—or more more rewarding—than than being a parent. And one of the hardest parts of the job is discipline. But what does discipline really mean? And how can you discipline your children lovingly and effectively?

Why Discipline?

Many people think discipline means punishment. Discipline comes from the same Latin word as disciple, which means "learner" or "student." Your children are the students, and you are the teacher. When you discipline your children, you are just teaching them the right way to behave.

Discipline is vital to children's growth and development. Why?

• Discipline keeps your children safe. It is your job to protect your children from dangers that they are too young to understand.
• Discipline helps children understand limits and develop self-control. Children who know how to stay within limits grow up to be adults who understand and respect the rules of society.
• Discipline teaches children how to get along with others. A child who doesn't learn how to share, take turns, or be a good friend could be a very lonely child—and someday a lonely adult.

A Discipline Plan

As a parent, it's important to know why discipline is important. You also need to know how to discipline. Researchers suggest that parents develop a discipline plan:

• Consider your children's personalities, abilities, and needs. Take into account your own personality as well. The plan you create must be right for you, or you won't be able to follow through with it.
• Consider each child's age and development. Children master the ability to control themselves at different rates. Ask yourself, "Am I expecting too much? Are my children misbehaving, or are they just acting their age?" Talk to your children's doctor if you're not sure what to expect.
• Remember that no single method will work with every child every time. That's why researchers suggest a two-part discipline plan:

Reward your children when they behave well. The simplest reward is attention: A touch, a smile, a hug, or a wink from you. Your loving attention helps your children to feel pride and satisfaction in behaving well.

Stop your children when they behave badly. Of course, you can only reward good behavior when your children are behaving well. When they aren't, there are many steps you can take to stop misbehavior.

Experts suggest voicing your disapproval, taking away privileges, or grounding. For younger children, age three and older, experts highly recommend using timeouts.

The How-To's of Timeouts

In sports, timeouts are an important part of the game. When things aren't going a team's way, for example, the coach may call a timeout. When you see your children having trouble behaving, you can call a timeout.

Timeouts work best for children who are hitting, throwing toys, or disobeying when you ask them to stop doing something. Timeouts give your children a chance to think about their behavior and how they can do better. They also give you and your children time to calm down.

If you have never used timeouts, you may think there's nothing to it. Your children misbehave. You put them in timeout. They return from timeout and behave well. But it's not that easy. In fact, researchers have found that when parents first use timeouts, children may misbehave even more often. Children may test the new limits with a display of emotional behavior or even temper tantrums. If you are calm and consistent, though, eventually your children will learn to stop the bad behavior.

Here's how to make timeouts work for you and your children:

• Discuss how timeouts will be used. You must make clear to your children ahead of time which behaviors will result in a timeout—then follow through.
• Give a warning. When a wrong behavior occurs, tell your children the behavior is not OK. Give one warning that you will put them in timeout if the behavior doesn't stop. In one study, giving a warning to 2- to 6-year-olds before they received a timeout lessened the number of timeouts needed.
• Respond quickly. If your children misbehave again after the warning, enforce the timeout immediately.
• Choose a place that is boring, but not frightening. For safety reasons, young children should not be left alone. You should always be able to see children during a timeout.
• Keep your cool. If your children leave the timeout area, gently but firmly return them.
• Make the timeout brief. Some experts recommend one minute for each year of age. Use a timer that the children can hear to signal the end of the timeout.
• Afterward, have a talk. Talk to your children after the timeout when you are both calm. Explain clearly what is acceptable behavior.

Discipline with Love

The goal of any discipline plan is to help children want to behave well. Research shows that the most effective discipline plan is based on a strong, loving relationship between parent and child. Children who feel loved will want to behave in ways that please their parents.

How can you strengthen your bond with your children?

• Be involved. Children crave their parents' attention. Studies show that unsupervised children often have behavior problems. And when you respond to your children, they are more likely to respond to you.
• Be consistent. When children know what to expect, they are less likely to misbehave. Help your children by setting a regular daily pattern that they can count on. You should also be consistent in how you respond to your children.
• Be a positive role model. All children imitate their parents. If you want your children to behave well, make sure you model good behavior.

With your loving and supportive discipline, your children can be happy and well-behaved. They'll also grow into adults you'll be proud of.